Growing into something beautiful

As a kid growing up life wasn't easy. Grew up with parents that were more into drugs than their own children, but hey that was the life that was given to me. Yes, it was hard and down right awful. Saw things I shouldn't have seen. Seeing lifeless bodies, people including my parents taking substances that made them crazy, and seeing my parents fight to the point of being physical. I shared this awful past with my little sister who looked up to me as a mother. I was there for my sister through thick and thin. Even on the streets of L.A. where people didn't care if you were alive or dead. Begging for money on the streets just to have a bite to eat. To feel warm and happy just for that moment. That's all we wanted. My sister was so little and so confused on the things that we're happening that I'll I wanted to do was comfort her and give her the happiness that she deserved. As time went on my mind was confused and drilled that this was the life that I will be living. I didn't see much hope and faith towards the up coming years of my life as a kid. I would dream and pray that this life of mine would change and I would live a life that I could have fun and play. As years went on a lady finally stopped to notice that my sister and I weren't not in safe and healing environment. Social Services came with concern and took us from my mother. At the time my step father was in Jail for abusing the drug Heroin. My mother cried and cried till she couldn't cry anymore. As for my sister and I.. screaming, nothing but screaming. Time stopped for me and everything was in slow motion. I'll I could think about was to stay with my sister. We went through five foster homes and no one wanted to have us as their children. It makes sense when my sister was nothing but a crazy one trying to fit it. Times were not easy when it came to living a better life for myself. Told by many that I would not accomplish anything with the past and background that I had. Every thought, every opinion was nothing but negative words telling me that I had a learning disability and with that I wouldn't be able to pass high school, I wouldn't be able to work at a high end job. That I would be dealing with depression and self loathing. For some time I believed all their stupid thoughts and opinions. I had fear, I had low self esteem. I had the impression that I would be working a 9-5 job and being unhappy with my life, so with that, that's what I did. I followed their opinions and was unhappy. I was a mess with no goals or dreams. I disappointed myself and other's and I lost friends and didn't know why. There were times when I thought just not being here would be better, but things changed one, just one day! I met a beautiful lady who saw good in me. She knew I could shine and be the bright star that I am. Slowly I started doing some self healing work with her and really bettering myself as a person and as a woman. I was creating a new life path and having dreams. I started reading books to knowledge myself better on the power of life. I was changing and blooming into something that I couldn't describe. I felt different and more compelling than ever! From then on I knew that I could live the life I wanted. I graduated high school, I graduated from a class called life by Design and here I am working on a blog and enjoying my writing. Never did I know I had the potential to write beautiful post and inspire other's. I've been traveling and being inspired by other's as well. Seeing all the beauty in the world and growing. I have the most beautiful man by my side encouraging me to live a life worth living. He brings me love and joy and I love every once of him. I thank the Universe everyday that I have come out of my shell and proved myself that I can do what I want and love. I can create the journey and the path I want. My path will be GOLD and smooth and beautiful. I want everyone to know that every person on this planet can improve and change their life for the better. I want everyone to know that everyday can be a good day. Everyday can be beautiful and bliss. Enjoy the people around you, spread love, and smile. We all have the potential to be something great. xoxo

Conversations with God

If I were to have a conversation with God, what would I ask? What would I say? What conversation would I have with my Creator?  This question gave me chills and excitement at the same time. It made me feel eager to know I can have any conversation I want with the ONE and only. Although, I feel eager, talking with the Creator is all brand new to me. This is going to be challenging for me, but if I'm going to start this conversation I am going to start off with my appreciation for my life and appreciation for the love I'm surrounded in. I appreciate my creator's guidance through my experiences and my feelings.  I am thankful for all that's around me, good or bad. I appreciate the knowledge I'm surrounding myself in. I'm thankful for my creator's guidance to my number one dream in life. Which is to be an inspiring coach in self healing and also in fitness and health. It's something I've been yearning to do for quite sometime now. Lately I haven't had the motivation or the kick in the butt to get this dream coming along. I'm a little lost on where to start. My question would be to ask for guidance and how to go above and beyond to make my goal come true. Why don't I have this motivation to do so? I dream of it everyday and imagine myself in that spot of happiness. What can I do to start? Where do I get the confidence and faith to do so? These are the questions I ask myself everyday, and the thing is... I'm actually talking to my God and not even knowing it. I'm given signs and reasons but not seeing them as opportunities. My creator is there with me all the time and supporting me all the way. I couldn't be more blessed knowing that I can feel my creator through my actions that I make everyday. There are many questions I would love to ask my God. There is one that pops up from time to time and I'm curious.. Why did I live such a negative past? Why we're my parents taken away from their lives so early? Is there a way I can understand these situations in a more positive way? I'll I do know is that without the journey I had in the past I wouldn't being here, right now reading off my journal to inspire other's to know that there is a way to change and be happier, and to enjoy life to it's fullest and to be able to have the opportunity to meet positive role models and learn from them. At the time I was younger I didn't know where my life was headed and I had no support what so ever, but the whole time without my even knowing God had a plan for me and it was to be here sharing my feelings and creating a bond that will last a life time. :) I need to always remind myself that my Creator is my highest thought, my clearest word and my grandest feeling <3

Painting Changes

Here I am, sitting here thinking where my life is headed. I'm living in a garage and broke. Now, I could look at this in a negative way or look at it in a positive way. There are days when I want to be in a bad mood and be the victim of my life, but when I think about it.. WHY? Why put myself in an energy that makes me feel horrible? I've come so far in ways I never thought possible. My knowledge about life and about myself has grown. I live my life in a perspective where things happen for a reason and the Universe will indeed throws things at me that could lead me in a place of good. Yes, I'm living in a garage.. so what! Instead of thinking of the things that are negative in this situation.. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to wake up. To change my life and make goals for myself. It's thrilling and exciting when I write my dreams, the dreams that will change my life for the better. Living in my boyfriends mom's garage has also giving me the opportunity to become closer to his family and I'm enjoying every second of it. My intentions for seeking a better life has already landed me a retail job in my town. I look forward to start making an income and saving for my life's dreams. Nothing better than creating and painting my own canvas. Leading a colorful path to my gold. :)

I'm Thankful.

Well, today is Thanksgiving. Who doesn't love this holiday? You
get to hang with friends and family and eat till you can't breathe.
I personally enjoy Thanksgiving. Waking up and smelling Nana's 
turkey roasting in the oven. Turning on the t.v to watch the Macy's parade. Cuddling up as I drink my pumpkin Chi tea that my amazing man brought for me. I couldn't be happier. Even if I have to slave at work today to full fill other people's enjoyment. Even if my mother and father have passed away. I know they would want me to enjoy myself.  I could complain about everything and be in a bad mood knowing I won't be home to eat with my boyfriends family, but I'm not. Instead I'm thinking of the things I am grateful for. I'm grateful that I have a job. It might be a crappy one, but I'm earning money and paying my bills. I'm grateful for my boyfriend of four years. I couldn't be happier to have him in my life.I truly am blessed to have my friends that I adore in my life. I'm just grateful to be alive on this beautiful planet. Life shouldn't be about complaining. I know this because I choose to live my own path. My own path to be happy and have fun. Life's short and I want to live every moment in a blessed state of mind. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy yourself and get stuffed!! 

Me

I am a product of my own journey so far. Even though I would like to forget some of the horrible things that I have endured in my past and some of the mistakes I have committed, I have to believe that everything that I have been through, is what has molded me today. It's part of my beautiful self. Every situation I have encountered has helped me to form who I am in this moment. 

I also have to thank all of the positive people in my life. They have all inspired me and shaped me for the better. I am more inspired with life and all of it's beauty. I'm finding my self discovery. I made this blog because I discovered I like to write, to express my emotions and my life journey. 

I have found that I have an extraordinary passion to learn, explore more and get into a deeper level of my soul that lives and nests inside me, the soul that is aching to be discovered. Love has also molded me to be more passionate and caring to all other's around me, including myself. 

My heart has opened to except the journey that I am creating today. My smile is getting bigger and bigger. My eyes are bursting with courage. My soul is beginning to glow. I'm finding my happiness and finding the life I'm destined to have. There were a lot of bad and awful roads I could have traveled on, but I decided to make my own road. My own road to happiness and self discovery. I'm proud of the road I have taken. 

I wouldn't have met the love of my life, I wouldn't have found who I am as a woman, I wouldn't of had the most amazing people in my life that I have today. My road is my victory. I am proud of the decisions I have made in my life. 

Music

Music is something I can't live without. The harmony and the sounds make my insides dance.
The words and melodies express my words in ways I cannot. 
I love the feeling when I  close my eyes and feel the tunes run through my veins. The lyrics swimming in my mind as I dance in my candle lit room. 
Memorized as I reflect on my memories of love, fun, anger, and sadness. Music has changed my life in many ways. 
Dazed and lost by the curves of the sound and harmony. 
My soul moves as the music draws me away from all darkness.
Music is my life. Music is my love. Music is my joy. 

Dear...

Dear Human: You've got it all wrong. You didn't come here to master un-conditional love. That is where you came from and where you'll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of messing up. OFTEN. You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. 

I got this beautiful poem from my good friend Hilary. I thought I would share it with the world.  I would also like to add that this blog wouldn't be possible without the inspiration from the love of my life. He is a talented poet with such passion for life and himself. Check him out. raytheraven.blogspot.com